Parenthood Changes You (Obviously)

I have often said that becoming a parent forces change—and by that I don’t mean the obvious sorts of changes, like having your sleep constantly interrupted or dealing with diaper blowouts or getting thrown up on. What I really mean is that one cannot just have kids and stay exactly the same, morally. You will become a much better or much worse person automatically by having kids; there is no in-between.

Because if you try to stay exactly the same—if you try to keep the whole world centered around you, to just keep doing all the things you like and want to do, like watching your favorite television program or scrolling through social media while the babe is screaming for attention—then you will become a much more selfish person by now flagrantly disregarding someone deeply entrusted to your love and care. Perhaps you’ll even become resentful of it all. But the simple result is that by trying to stay the same while having kids, you become instantly, automatically worse. It cannot be done.

Kids force you to constantly look beyond yourself. That is one of the greatest and most important gifts of parenthood (aside from the kids themselves, of course). And they force this again and again, offering every opportunity to become a better lover and a better human being—not just through caring for another otherwise helpless entity, but in coming to see the good in doing so, and ultimately preferring it to the gross satisfaction of one’s own untamed (I was going to say feral) impulses.

Every child is an infinitely precious object of love—the best and most beautiful thing. They are also extremely demanding. Relentlessly so! But like anything in life, nothing good comes easy—and the best things are usually the hardest.

I say all this from experience, of course—I have six children, after all. And I can absolutely tell you that each of these little souls has given me countless chances—many, sadly, badly missed—to improve the status of my own. I’ve still got a long way to go. But I want my children to know—and anyone thinking of having children—that they have given me far more than I’ve probably ever given them.

They are the best thing I’ll ever be part of.